THE PIAGGI SUITE
A Comedy in Two Acts
by
Diane Grant
“Music, the greatest good that mortals know,
And all of heaven we have here below.”
Joseph Addison – A Song for St. Cecilia’s Day
Member of the Dramatists Guild, Inc.
Alliance of Los Angeles Playwrights
International Center of Women Playwrights
Playwrights Guild of Canada
Cast of Characters
Shirley Whitlock: A legal secretary, Darlene’s aunt
Gwen Turner: A housekeeper, forties
Louise Anderson: A soprano, twenty-five
Ziggy Martin: A singer and lyricist, twenty-six
Darlene Lescault: A composer, seventeen
Eric Chapman: A composer, pianist and retreat manager, thirties
Barney Rushton: A contractor, middle-aged
Sophia Piaggi: A famous opera singer, indeterminate age
Norman MacMillan: Sophia's secretary, forties
Aeolian Manor, an old mansion and a retreat for musicians in The Berkshires.
Time
The present, mid-July.
ACT I
Scene I
SETTING: The communal room of the retreat, a large sitting room with French doors upstage center, which open onto a garden. It’s furnished with comfortable sofas and big armchairs, one of which revolves, a long table, and a piano.
The room is dark, the curtains drawn.
AT RISE: Offstage, two voices, a man and a woman’s, singing the round, Mister Bach. Shirley sits in a chair, a shaft of light from a doorway illuminating her. She's finishing off a doughnut and cup of coffee.
Gwen enters. She opens the curtains, flooding the room with light, then opens the French doors. The music swells. She stops and listens to the music. The music ends. She doesn't move.
Shirley coughs and holds up her empty coffee cup. Gwen takes it, and exits.
Louise and Ziggy enter.
LOUISE
Wasn't that exhilarating? Song before breakfast.
ZIGGY
I love singing with you. You’re the best.
LOUISE
I hope Harmon Breslin thinks so.
ZIGGY
You’re auditioning for Harmon Breslin?
LOUISE
Yes. He’s coming to hear me at the public concert.
ZIGGY
Way to go.
LOUISE
I have everything crossed. Fingers, toes. Hey, why don’t you sing at the concert? .
ZIGGY
I’m not performing anymore.
LOUISE
Why? You’re a natural singer.
ZIGGY
(laughs)
Someday, I’ll get some training.
SHIRLEY
It's dangerous to sing without training. You can do terrible damage to the voice.
LOUISE
(to Shirley)
Why don't you sing with us, Shirley? It makes you feel so good.
SHIRLEY
There’s too much tension in my neck muscles. I’m sure I’ve got a hostile closure of the vocal cords.
(Ziggy comes up behind her and puts his hands on her shoulders.)
ZIGGY
I can fix that.
SHIRLEY
What are you doing back there? Get away.
ZIGGY
A good massage'll relax those muscles and the cords’ll open right up.
(Ziggy massages Shirley's neck.)
Give yourself to me, Shirley.
SHIRLEY
Get your hands off me!
(Ziggy throws his hands up in the air.)
ZIGGY
Whoa.
SHIRLEY
Massage doesn’t do a thing for me, thank you. I’m getting a cold. My window banged open last night. The lock's broken.
LOUISE
Tell Eric. He'll fix it.
SHIRLEY
He's a musician, not a handyman.
LOUISE
He’s running the place, now. He'll hire a handyman.
SHIRLEY
It was so thoughtless of Edie and Joe to retire. You watch. Eric won’t be able to manage when the place fills up. If it fills up. He’s too…
(makes a gesture with her hands, meaning intense or scattered.)
LOUISE
Shirley, he's wonderful.
SHIRLEY
You think everybody's wonderful. The whole place is looking kind of seedy, if you ask me.
LOUISE
It’s not the Ritz.
SHIRLEY
It’s certainly not Tanglewood.
(Louise picks up a brochure and displays it)
LOUISE
Have you read the brochure? Aeolian Manor is a charming sylvan retreat, where everyone who loves to make music can relax and breathe the country air...
ZIGGY
...play quartets on the lawn, write sonatas in the pool...
LOUISE
or sing Schubert in the shade of its sycamore trees.
ZIGGY
(gives brochure to Shirley)
Try to say that three times.
SHIRLEY
Oh, piddle.
(looks at brochure)
LOUISE
Look at that old photo. There’s Gwen, hiding in the back. Isn’t she beautiful?
SHIRLEY
That’s a horrible haircut.
LOUISE
(to Ziggy)
I’m going to run scales until eleven, study German until twelve, and then it’s Yoga before lunch. What're you going to do today?
ZIGGY
Malinger.
LOUISE
Would you like to malinger at croquet this afternoon?
ZIGGY
If you promise not to beat me.
LOUISE
Promise.
(Darlene enters, wearing a Puccini T-shirt over a bikini, her towel over her shoulder.)
DARLENE
Did you hear? Sophia Piaggi's coming here for two weeks. Isn't that awesome?
LOUISE
The Sophia Piaggi?
SHIRLEY
She’d never come to a backwater like this.
DARLENE (without stopping for breath)
It’s true. Eric told me. His Mom and Dad know her. Can you believe that? They met her in Bregenz twenty years ago just before her husband died. She was playing Desdemona in Otello at the Festspielhaus at the time and Edie and Joe went back after the performance and they've been friends ever since and they just saw her again at Covent Garden in Turandot. She was brilliant as Turandot but she said the production was a disaster and she was exhausted so Edie and Joe told her about Aeolian and the country air, and she said she’d come because she’d earned some R&R. Isn’t that awesome? That’s what Edie said, “R&R.”
(Darlene sees Ziggy and smothers a scream. )
You're Ziggy Martin. You can't be. You are.
ZIGGY
I seem to be.
DARLENE
(to Louise)
He really is.
(to Ziggy)
You sing like God.
(to Louise)
He opened for Sheryl Crow. Can you believe that?
(to Ziggy)
I saw you with Dave Matthews. In Syracuse. It was the most beautiful night of my entire life.
Did you really sit in with Sting?
(Ziggy shrugs. He did.)
Awesome. How come you aren’t singing anymore? I’ve missed you so. Did you ever see me at The Black Hole?
SHIRLEY
Darlene!
DARLENE
It's a club!
SHIRLEY
People go there to get high.
DARLENE
You can get high anywhere. What does the club have to do with it? Zip.
( to Ziggy )
I’m mad about the Hole. I had this song I wrote for you but they wouldn't let me go backstage. In November, two years ago. I was sitting right in front, surrounded by an entourage of coffee cups. I’d had eight cups of coffee and I was high.
SHIRLEY
What on earth are you wearing?
DARLENE
A T-shirt. Giacomo Puccini. I love Puccini.
SHIRLEY
Under the T-shirt.
DARLENE
It's a bathing suit, Auntie. I’ve seen you wear bathing suits.
SHIRLEY
Not like that, you haven’t.
DARLENE
I wonder what Sophia really looks like.
LOUISE
I heard her Madame Butterfly at the Met. It was so beautiful.
SHIRLEY
You know why he died, don’t you? It was a huge scandal.
LOUISE
Who?
SHIRLEY
Her husband. He was a surgeon and he O.D’d. on cocaine.
ZIGGY
O.D’d.?
SHIRLEY
Yes, O.D’d. He used to operate when he was high.
DARLENE
(to Ziggy)
Auntie knows everything.
SHIRLEY
I know a lot more than you think, Miss Smarty-Pants.
(Eric enters.)
LOUISE
Eric, is Sophia Piaggi really coming here?
ERIC
Today.
SHIRLEY
But she’s used to the best.
(Gwen enters, carrying a basket and garden shears.)
LOUISE
This place is the best.
ERIC
And I have excellent help, don't I, Gwen. Gwen's really in charge, thank God.
DARLENE
Gwen, did you hear? Sophia Piaggi's coming here. Isn't that awesome?
GWEN
(darkly)
Awesome.
SHIRLEY
Gwen, the lasagna was far too spicy last night. For hours, I could feel stomach acid backing up into my larynx and irritating the vocal cords.
GWEN
I'll speak to the cook.
LOUISE
I didn't think it was that spicy.
ERIC
(affectionately)
Of course, you're the only singer I know who lives on chili fries.
GWEN
(to Ziggy)
Feet.
(She exits to the garden. Ziggy takes his feet off the sofa.)
DARLENE
I’m going to swim. See you at croquet, Louise.
(She smiles broadly at Ziggy and flips her hair.)
Care for a dip?
(She exits.)
LOUISE
To breakfast. I’m so hungry, I’m going to have pancakes with syrup, scrambled eggs and bacon, and two pieces of toast with orange and pineapple marmalade.
ZIGGY
Not me. My appetite left me somewhere near the stomach acid and the larynx.
(He exits.)
SHIRLEY
(watches him from the doors)
He's going after Darlene. Did you see the way he was looking at her? He seems very fond of pubescent bodies, if you catch my drift.
LOUISE
He's a big teddy bear.
ERIC
(warily)
Is he?
(He exits.)
SHIRLEY
Nobody drops out without a reason. The Black Hole! That girl was there the night she killed herself.
LOUISE
What girl?
SHIRLEY
It was in all the papers. She shot herself in her car.
LOUISE
Have you had breakfast?
SHIRLEY
I'll have a little something. I hope Gwen wasn't upset about the lasagna. I ate it, after all. I remember those children starving in Somalia.
LOUISE
(amused)
If they'd had that lasagna, they'd have cleaned their plates, no matter how spicy it was.
(Ziggy enters, humming, crosses the room, and exits.)
SHIRLEY
Arlette. That’s what her name was. Arlette.
LOUISE
Who?
SHIRLEY
The girl who killed herself.
(Darlene enters.)
DARLENE
Ziggy’s getting his suit. Whoo-ee. He needs a towel. I’m going to get him one of ours.
SHIRLEY
Don’t give him one of mine.
DARLENE
He's not going to keep it.
LOUISE
He can have one of mine.
SHIRLEY
I don't want her hanging around with that man.
DARLENE
You know me and creative men. I can't resist them.
SHIRLEY
Darlene. Just look at him. He’s a womanizer.
DARLENE
You are so out of it. It's not who you are, it's what you make. Puccini was a womanizer. Does that mean Tosca sucks?
(She exits.)
SHIRLEY
(calling after her)
I don’t find that kind of language amusing.
(to Louise)
I wonder why she’s really coming here?
LOUISE
Who?
SHIRLEY
Sophia!
(Louise and Shirley exit. A man appears at the French doors and looks in.
Eric enters on his cellphone and the man listens.)
ERIC
(into phone)
Is this Rushton’s? Can you hear me, now?
(loudly)
Is Barney there? Barney Rushton.
(listens)
He’s retired? Is everyone retiring? Who am I talking to? Chuck. Eric Chapman. From the Aeolian Manor? Listen, Barney was going to repair some of the masonry here. Have you got another man who could...
(listens)
We owe you how much?
(listens)
Uh huh, uh huh….Well, you’re the boss. No. no. No problem.
(hangs up)
Solid work, Eric. You are really good at this.
(He gestures as if hanging himself, puts his cell phone in his pocket, goes over to the piano and starts to play. Ziggy enters and hears Eric playing. Eric becomes aware of him and stops playing. )
ZIGGY
Nice. That one of yours?
ERIC
Mmm hmm.
ZIGGY
You're still writing.
ERIC
Mmm hmm.
(Ziggy pulls a napkin out of his pocket.)
ZIGGY
Take a look at this.
(hands the paper to Eric.)
I’m kind of proud of it, actually.
(Eric hands the paper back.)
ERIC
I’m sure it’s good.
ZIGGY
It’s not my usual stuff. I’m changing direction. It’s more serious, more classical, like….
ERIC
…An art song.
ZIGGY
Yeah. An art song. I thought you’d like to have a crack at the music.
ERIC
You wouldn’t want a nobody like me writing the music.
ZIGGY
You write terrific tunes.
ERIC
But I wrote you some and you couldn’t use them, could you? You needed a name. Somebody with credentials, a track record.
ZIGGY
Hey, you’re talking a long time ago. It was business. It was nothing personal.
ERIC
How come I felt so much personal pain?
ZIGGY
I don’t want to perform anymore, man, and I’ve got a lot of beautiful words you could put to music.
ERIC
You still drinking?
ZIGGY
I’m a pussycat. Lapping up bowls of milk. Lowfat.
(He pulls a lollipop out of his pocket, takes paper off of it, and puts it in his mouth. )
Trying to stop smoking, too. Want one?
ERIC
No thanks.
(Ziggy tries to give him the lyrics.)
No.
ZIGGY
Your loss.
(Ziggy leaves the lyrics on the piano. Darlene enters, carrying a large beach towel.)
DARLENE
Where's your suit? Did you change your mind? I had to fight for this towel. Shirley won't part with anything. We're not to lose it and we're not to stay out too long
and we're not to go out too far and, don't you forget it, we're not to fool around.
ZIGGY
Hey, hey, if we're not going to fool around, forget it.
DARLENE
Hey, hey to you.
( They spar playfully. She flicks the towel at him. Ziggy picks up the lyrics and starts to put them in his pocket. )
What's that?
ZIGGY
It's nothing. A few words on paper.
DARLENE
Lyrics?
ZIGGY
You could say that.
DARLENE
For something new?
(Ziggy nods.)
Could I hear them? Please.
(Ziggy gives Eric the lollipop to hold while he reads.)
ZIGGY
It’s called All For You.
(reading)
“I am wounded and in flight
Blinded by the glare of light
Shivering in the dark of night
Take me, hold me, keep me warm.
“With sorrows I am pressed
Lay my head upon your breast
Wrap me round and let me rest
Take me, hold me, keep me safe.
“I’ll be still and hide my face
Be still and hide my face
Sheltered in your sweet embrace
‘Til I can sing my songs again.
“And when I’m mended and new
I will sing them all for you.
My home, my joy, my love, my life,
I will sing them all for you.”
DARLENE
That was to die for.
ZIGGY
Thank you.
(He takes the lollipop back.)
DARLENE
Who's going to write the music?
ZIGGY
(looking at Eric)
Why don't you?
DARLENE
You're asking me?
ZIGGY
We could work together.
DARLENE
You mean like collaborate?
(Ziggy nods.)
That is so cool. I have to warn you, though, when it comes to the work, I'm uncompromising and tough.
ZIGGY
Just the kind of collaborator I need.
(Ziggy gives her the lyrics.)
DARLENE
I'm honored.
(Darlene crushes the paper napkin to her chest.)
Oh, I've scrunched it.
ZIGGY
Here, I'll smooth it out. Turn around.
(He puts the paper napkin on Darlene’s back and presses it flat.)
DARLENE
We'll write something so beautiful, you'll die of pleasure. We can work in my room. I’m in the Jenny Lind on the second floor.
ZIGGY
Let’s start, now.
DARLENE
Cool.
ZIGGY
(He takes another lollipop out of his pocket.)
Pop?
DARLENE
Thanks.
(She takes the lollipop and exits. Ziggy picks up his guitar.)
ERIC
If you hurt that little girl, I'll kill you.
ZIGGY
You’re a real asshole, you know that?
(Ziggy exits. Gwen enters.)
GWEN
Her secretary called again. From the car. Are we sure we understand that Ms. Piaggi has to have a suite facing the east with a bath, a piano, and a double bed with a firm mattress?
And we do know she must have fresh unscented flowers in her room, mineral water and some kind of fruit? Every day? And she hopes we've arranged to keep the kitchen open
so she can take her meals at any hour and she's not to be disturbed before ten.
ERIC
Have we done that?
GWEN
We did that after the first phone call.
ERIC
Did you replace the plaque on the door of the Joan Sutherland suite?
GWEN
We no longer have a Joan Sutherland suite. We have a Piaggi Suite. And a very good suite it is.
ERIC
Good.
GWEN
We moved the Yamaha into the sitting room. It has an excellent tone. The kitchen staff is unhappy but holding.
ERIC
She's the one we have to keep happy. What kind of accommodations does her secretary need?
GWEN
A room with a cot, I imagine. And a box of Rolaids. Why is she coming here?
ERIC
Now, this is not for publication.
GWEN
My lips are sealed.
ERIC
When Sophia played Turandot in London, a new soprano, named Carinna Doulenc, was supposed to make her debut as Liu.
GWEN
I’ve heard about her. Doesn’t she travel everywhere with her cat?
ERIC
Yes. She loved that cat.
GWEN
Loved?
ERIC
On opening night, she found it dead in her dressing room.
GWEN
What?
ERIC
She had hysterics and the understudy had to go on. They say it’s ruined her career.
GWEN
How horrible.
ERIC
Sophia sang brilliantly and got rave notices but she thought Carinna had ruined opening night. She’s coming here to get as far away from everything as she can.
GWEN
Well, this is pretty far away from everything.
(Offstage, a doorbell rings. )
ERIC
There they are.
(smoothing down his hair )
How do I look?
GWEN
They just called.
ERIC
Yes, but where was the car when they called?
GWEN
She's not the Queen of the Night.
ERIC
She's a world famous diva with a first rate reputation.
GWEN
And a second rate voice.
ERIC
Gwen!
GWEN
With great gasps for breath in the lower register and hideous glottal stops every time she reaches for anything higher than a B flat.
ERIC
Never say that out loud again!
GWEN
(whispers)
And too much vibrato.
ERIC
I am so serious about this. If she likes us, she might want to make a contribution.
GWEN
To the little people?
ERIC
To us, if we behave ourselves.
(Offstage, the doorbell rings again. Eric jumps.)
I’ll get it.
(He exits. Gwen takes a bottle and a rag from her pocket, sprays a spot on the carpet .)
GWEN
Grrrr.
(Louise enters)
I thought you were having breakfast.
LOUISE
(joking)
I’m running away from Shirley. She’s upset because her eggs were underdone.
(Gwen rubs harder at the carpet.)
GWEN
(to herself)
I’d like to throw a couple of hard boiled ones at her.
(Eric enters.)
ERIC
(to Gwen)
There was nobody there.
(to Louise)
Have you had breakfast?
(Louise smiles at Gwen. Eric goes to the piano.)
Is the voice warmed up?
LOUISE
Yep.
GWEN
(to Louise)
Watch the portamento.
(She exits.)
ERIC
She’s right. Not a hint of sliding from note to note. Hit every one squarely in the middle.
LOUISE
No sliding. Absolutely.
ERIC
Un bel di, I think.
LOUISE
Un bel di. Good.
(Eric starts to play. )
Do you think we'll be ready for the concert?
(Eric stops playing.)
ERIC
We'll be fine.
LOUISE
We will, won’t we?
ERIC
Yes.
(He starts to play again. )
LOUISE
Do you really think Mr. Breslin’ll like me?
(Eric stops playing.)
ERIC
He'll love you. Everybody loves you. I love you.
LOUISE
Don’t play with me. I'm talking about my voice.
ERIC
I’m not playing. I love you. Not your voice, all of you. Say you'll marry me.
LOUISE
I can't.
ERIC
You're crazy about me. I know you are. I can tell here…
( kisses her)
…and here.
(kisses her again)
LOUISE
I don't have time to fall in love.
ERIC
It takes a millisecond.
(He comes up behind her, puts his arms around her. She moves nto the embrace, leans against him.)
LOUISE
But what about all the years that come after? Think about the casualty rate of singer marriages. If Mr. Breslin takes me on, it'll change everything.
I'll have to go all over the world at a moment's notice – an opera here, a recital there, personal appearances, recording sessions. I’ll be in the magazines and on TV.
You’d be here at Aeolian. How could we stay together?
ERIC
Say, "Yes," and we'll work out the details later.
LOUISE
You’re impossible.
(She kisses him.)
ERIC
(seriously)
Louise, whatever happens, I’ll always put you first.
LOUISE
Maybe Sophia could put in a good word for me. She must know Harmon Breslin. Everybody knows Harmon Breslin.
ERIC
Are we going to work or not?
Eric plays and Louise sings. Barney, the man whom we saw outside, enters and quietly listens. He has a camera around his neck. Louise sees him and stops singing. He claps.)
BARNEY
Beautiful, beautiful.
ERIC
Hello?
BARNEY
Barney Rushton. The door was open.
(to Louise)
Brava.
ERIC
Rushton?
BARNEY
Chuck said you’d called.
ERIC
Did you ring the bell a few minutes ago?
BARNEY
I did but then I saw that statue at the back and walked around to take some pictures. It’s really something.
ERIC
It’s Apollo. The God of Music.
BARNEY
There’s a huge chunk out of the base. Have you noticed?
ERIC
(alarmed)
No.
(Gwen enters.)
BARNEY
Hello.
ERIC
Gwen, this is...
BARNEY
Barney Rushton. Have we met before?
GWEN
No.
BARNEY
My mistake. Nice to meet you, Gwen.
(looks down.)
Is this floor warped?
(looks up)
My God, look at that.
(He takes a picture. )
GWEN
Did you take my picture?
BARNEY
I’m sorry, sweetheart. I was focussed on that lintel above your head.
(to Eric)
Have you noticed that crack?
GWEN
I don’t want my picture taken, thank you very much.
ERIC
I thought you were retired.
BARNEY
I was on my way to Toronto in the Buick out there when Chuck called. He said you had your pants in a knot, so, I said to myself, “Barney, you could start your retirement here and make a little money while you’re at it.”
Do you have a room available?
ERIC
I wish could say, "Yes," but we’re closed to the public. I’d love to hire you on a daily basis.
BARNEY
Nah. That wouldn’t suit me. I’m retired. This is a great old place. When was she built?
ERIC
1902.
BARNEY
1902. Yep. Thought so.
ERIC
Thought so?
BARNEY
Dry rot.
ERIC
Dry rot?
BARNEY
You don’t want to fool with dry rot.
ERIC
We’re talking big money, here, Barney. Right?
BARNEY
I could do you a real good deal.
ERIC
How good?
BARNEY
I’d throw in the masonry. No charge.
ERIC
The thing is, we’re expecting a very important guest.
BARNEY
Anybody I’d know?
ERIC
No. She’s an opera singer.
BARNEY
No kidding.
ERIC
Sophia Piaggi.
BARNEY
The Sophia Piaggi?
ERIC
(surprised)
You’ve heard of her?
BARNEY
Yep. She’s pretty good. Breathy but good.
GWEN
You think she’s breathy?
BARNEY
And too much vibrato, don’t you think?
(about Louise)
Now, this gal’s got a beautiful voice.
GWEN
(to Eric)
What about the Renata Tebaldi room? It’s out of the way.
ERIC
Gwen?
(She stares at him, stonily.)
You wouldn’t disturb Ms. Piaggi?
BARNEY
(shaking Eric's hand)
She won’t even know I’m here. My bags are in the car.
GWEN
I’ll help you. Do you sing, Barney?
BARNEY
Do you?
GWEN
No.
(Barney and Gwen exit. Offstage SFX: a screech of brakes, and the sound of skidding on gravel. Gwen, offstage)
Watch out! Oh, my God. Look out, look out!
BARNEY
(offstage)
Brake, brake, brake, brake!
(Offstage SFX: a crash. Eric and Louise exit. Darlene, Ziggy, and Shirley enter.)
DARLENE
What's going on?
SHIRLEY
With my luck, somebody’s hit my car.
SOPHIA
(offstage)
Who parked this old wreck out here? It's jutting out into the driveway. You stupid man. How could you park like that? You'll pay for this. Get out of my way.
DARLENE
Oh oh.
BARNEY
(offstage)
You were driving too fast.
SOPHIA
(offstage)
Get away from me.
(Sophia enters. She's wearing sunglasses and is all in black, except for a flamboyant, multi-colored silk coat. She’s beautiful with an excellent carriage and a commanding presence.) I always drive too fast.
I like driving too fast. It relaxes me.
(sees the four staring at her and her manner changes instantly)
Ah, a welcoming committee for Sophia. Ciao, everybody.
(flings off her coat. Shirley catches it and strokes it.)
Beautiful, isn’t it? For the late summer. I wear fur in the winter. I have nine fur coats. To tell you the truth, I don’t need nine. How do you travel with nine furs?
(takes off sunglasses, to Ziggy)
Who are you, darling?
ZIGGY
Ziggy Martin.
SOPHIA
Ziggy. I have got to sit.
(Sophia takes Ziggy’s arm and sits.)
What are you, Ziggy?
ZIGGY
I, uh, I’m an all American boy, I guess.
SOPHIA
You are, aren’t you, darling. What do you do?
ZIGGY
I write songs.
SOPHIA
Magnifico. I adore crossover music. I’m making a CD of new songs soon, like Kiri and Domingo and Dawn. I could sing one of your songs. Would you like that?
ZIGGY
That’s a fantastic idea.
SOPHIA
Renee made a jazz CD and now she has a dessert named after her. La Diva Renee, chocolate with hazelnuts.
DARLENE
Ms. Piaggi, you are to die for.
Grazie.
(to Shirley)
Could you get me a drink of water, darling?
SHIRLEY
With ice?
SOPHIA
Just water, lukewarm, and hurry.
(Shirley gives the coat to Darlene and exits. Eric rushes in.)
ERIC
There wasn’t too much harm done. Is there anything I can get for you? Something to eat or drink? I could show you up to your suite, if you like.
SOPHIA
Not now, darling. I’m sitting down.
(Louise enters.)
LOUISE
Ms. Piaggi. Louise Anderson. I’m a soprano, too.
ERIC
Louise won the Mirella Freni competition this year. Most promising newcomer.
DARLENE
The judges said she sounded just like Leontyne Price.
SOPHIA
Well. I must hear you sing sometime.
LOUISE
(She puts out her hand to Sophia.)
You’ve always been an inspiration to me. I heard you in Rigoletto when I was a teenager.
(Sophia ignores Louise’s hand. Barney enters, carrying a small notebook and a pen.)
BARNEY
What are you going to do about my car?
SOPHIA
(to Eric)
Who is this ridiculous person who brings me all this trouble?
BARNEY
Lady, your car was moving and mine was standing still.
(He make notes in the notebook.)
SOPHIA
What is he doing here?
ERIC
He’s a…a writer.
BARNEY
A writer?
ERIC
A writer.
BARNEY
Right.
(tearing off a piece of paper)
Read this. It’s an estimate. There’s about $1,200 damage done, I’d say.
SOPHIA
Take it away. My secretary does all that.
(to Eric)
Now, darling, the rooms.
ERIC
We’ve put you in The Piaggi Suite.
SOPHIA
The Piaggi Suite?
ERIC
It’s our very best.
SOPHIA
How charming. Now, I am happy.
ERIC
(mutters at Barney)
She won’t even know I’m here.
(Shirley enters, carrying a glass of water.)
SHIRLEY
Your water, Ms. Piaggi?
SOPHIA
So sweet. Grazie.
(ignores the glass)
You have writers, here?
ERIC
He’s our first.
(Sophia and Eric exit.)
ZIGGY
Whoa.
DARLENE
Wow, can she yell. Is that a diaphragm or what?
SHIRLEY
Don’t be rude. She's an artiste. She has temperament.
(Shirley drinks the water. Norman enters, carrying two large leopard skin suitcases. He's wearing a tailored three piece suit.)
BARNEY
Are you the secretary?
NORMAN
Yes.
(He crosses and puts the suitcases offstage, re-enters.)
BARNEY
(waves the paper)
I’m the Buick.
(Norman takes the paper.)
SHIRLEY
Secretary. How do you pronounce that? Flunkey?
NORMAN
Did you call me a flunkey?
SHIRLEY
I said the word. I didn’t mean anything by it.
NORMAN
What’s your name?
(He exits.)
SHIRLEY
Shirley.
(Norman enters, carrying another leopard skin bag.)
NORMAN
Shirley, I never say anything without meaning it.
SHIRLEY
Alright, I mean this. I’m a secretary and I’ve never had to carry my boss’s suitcases.
(Norman crosses and put the bag offstage, re-enters. Gwen enters, carrying another leopard skinsuitcase.)
NORMAN
Put that down!
(Gwen puts the suitcase down.)
Ms. Piaggi is my job.
(to Shirley)
It is a privilege to carry her suitcases.
(He takes the suitcase, crosses and puts the suitcase offstage.)
BARNEY
What about the damage to the cars?
(Norman exits.)
NORMAN
(offstage)
Ms. Piaggi will buy a new car.
BARNEY
Swell.
(Norman enters, carrying another leopard skin bag.)
NORMAN
She likes new cars. She has a Fiat 500 in Lugano, the small, silver Rolls in London, a Lincoln Navigator in Manhattan…
(He crosses and puts bag offstage, re-enters.)
BARNEY
I have a 1994 Buick LeSabre automatic with overdrive and one hundred forty three thousand miles on it. It’s the only car I’ve got and it’s damaged.
(Norman snaps his fingers.)
NORMAN
Coat.
(Darlene hands him the coat. To Barney)
Follow me. I'm in damage control.
(Norman exits, followed by Barney.)
(END OF SCENE)